Death And Death

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[00:00:56] Death and Death. I'm Victor M. Sweeney, licensed mortician, coming to you today from my funeral home. The fact of the matter is when you really do the job and the real world gets busy,

[00:01:25] the podcast moves into my home turf, which is today the back of the funeral chapel. Now, the reason I'm calling this episode Death and Death is because I'm actually going to be playing a bit of a presentation I gave to a room full of funeral directors. I was invited to speak at the Arrowhead Funeral Directors Association

[00:01:51] and drove to Duluth, Minnesota to present to a bunch of small-town, small-area funeral directors outside of the Minneapolis metro area. I want to thank Mark Arnold in particular for inviting me, and for all my fellow practitioners I got to enjoy the company of in the hotel bar the night before and through the rest of the day we spent together. I mentioned in the speech Dominic Astorino. He actually comes up in my book.

[00:02:21] I got to meet him in person at this conference. He's a funeral director and embalmer in Michigan. He teaches at a college there and a college in Illinois. Fantastic speaker. I wish you could have been around to listen to his presentation that was before mine, but unfortunately that came with a lot of graphic description and images that I cannot show you here. Really, what it's all about is just sharing with my fellow professionals

[00:02:49] and really reminding them of those things they already know, reminding them of the things that are important. Because this work isn't simply a matter of nickels and dimes and moving people from point A to point B. Rather, the important part is the connection. That's why we all get into it in the first place, let's be honest. So, it's a tricky subject though. It's hard for me.

[00:03:18] Because what do I, as some guy who's been licensed for 13 years, have to tell a room full of fellow morticians, most of whom have been licensed for longer than I've been alive. Part of every episode of Death and, not simply this episode of Death and Death, where I talk to undertakers, but part of what we do here is we reach out to people well outside of the industry. We want to answer your questions.

[00:03:48] And I get so many questions, you guys. I'm happy to do it. I know some of you have sent questions asking me when I'm going to answer them. I promise I will get there eventually. So, without waiting any longer, let's answer a couple more. All right. Here's a question from Ghostin.

[00:04:13] What's the difference between doing embalming now versus the 90s or 80s, etc.? Okay. So, I will tell you, not a substantial difference in embalming practices, right? The mechanics of the thing just pretty much stay the same. They haven't really changed a lot in the last even 50, 60, 70 years.

[00:04:37] There was a big change right around the turn of the century, the teens or so, the 20s, where there was a growth in what we call restorative art, right? So, bringing back the appearance of someone that was otherwise lost. That was spearheaded by a guy, Joel Crandall, did some amazing work. And he actually developed what was called demisurgery, which we now know as restorative art.

[00:05:05] And then he went on to just train other undertakers free of cost all around the country. So, what I know how to do today, in some respect, goes back to one crazy guy who wanted to do restorative art. But as far as the mechanics of embalming, the opening of the arteries, the injecting of fluids, that hasn't substantially changed. There have been changes, of course, in embalming formulas over the years. And I think a better understanding of the importance of humectant,

[00:05:33] so that is fluids that help a body retain moisture and fluid. Because for a long time there, preservation was the most important aspect. And when that's the case, sometimes you end up with really super hard, well-preserved gray bodies. They're wonderfully preserved. But the appearance is lacking. So, I like to think now we've moved into a time where embalmers are really deeply concerned about the art,

[00:06:02] not merely the mechanics or the science, but the art of embalming. Or at least that's the way I see it. Thanks for the question. Here's a question from Kimberly Alexis. What do you personally believe happens in the afterlife? I know you speak about what people may believe, but I want to know what you personally think. Kimberly, thanks for asking a very good question.

[00:06:30] So, this is something I am hesitant to weigh in about, because we all have very different beliefs about the afterlife, do we not? Even, I'm a Christian, I'm a Catholic. I differ even among other Christians with what we believe happens. But I've written about it in my book in a broad way, and I will define it for you in just a moment here. Let me shamelessly plug my book, Now Departing, A Small Town Mortician on Death, Life, and the Moments in Between.

[00:06:59] Let me read to you. I don't presume to know all the answers about what this home of ours may look like. I do confidently believe a handful of first things that might help one see death as I do. I think it is possible for you and me to think wildly different things about what home is, with the probability that both of us are wrong. It is likely that our beliefs each point at some eternal, immeasurable ideal,

[00:07:26] and that one of our beliefs may hit on it more closely than the other, but probably imperfectly at best. Being both aimed at finding truth, you and I may find we have the same goal, the same endgame in mind, trying to do that which is good. I also believe that truth is not alone out there in the cosmos, and that this platonic ideal of truth, perfect truth, is also accompanied by perfect forms of justice, and beauty, and goodness,

[00:07:55] and love. You and I experience these ideals every day. We want love from our significant others, and we feel slighted when they fall short of it, even if they think they are loving us well. We want to be just to the people we work with, and are indignant when we don't receive justice in return. Ask a child about fairness, and they will tell you what seems fair. And as a parent, you realize you never sat down and methodically taught them about it. It is kind of innate. If you and I feel a lack of any of these things,

[00:08:24] if we know somehow that some things are more true than others, there must be a perfect version of these that we measure against, however inscrutable it might be to us, or however we might feel we cannot attain it. And if we recognize these ideals, and maybe wordlessly strive for them, then there's something inside of us that can touch these ideals, despite their intangibility. And I think that something within us is our souls.

[00:08:51] Just as my body can physically grasp a chair, and I can feel its solidity with my hands, I can experience the charity of the chair, it seems that only my soul can grasp something like love. Just like justice or truth, love is something we cannot touch. We say we feel love, but any of us who have fallen head over heels for another knows it isn't a tactile experience.

[00:09:19] Love isn't simply the racing heart rate and the giddy thoughts. It is something more. Even the phrase making love while describing a physical action isn't a perfect example of the experience of love, for sex is a temporary thing bound in time and place, and love seems to have no boundaries at all. You can love someone who has been long dead. You can even love someone you've never met. Being that these ideals exist unbound, outside of time or place,

[00:09:47] I firmly believe that when we die, the thing that was able to experience them in this life, this thing we might call a soul, goes to meet them wherever it is they exist. After all, our bodies act in the same way. The physicality of our bodies will eventually break down. Our legs will, after years of carrying us about, cease to hold us up, and our bodies will eventually go into a furnace, be put in the ground, or returned to sister earth in some other way or another.

[00:10:15] The chair we sit on, being physical, will likewise lose not two legs, but four as it breaks down, its pieces finding their way to the wood stove, the landfill, or the tree row in the back 40 to rot into the soil. Our physicality goes the way of all physical things. But our soul, which touched the eternal, which experienced love, which desired justice, and which sought truth, will find its way to meet them.

[00:10:46] So that's a long way of saying that I believe that we will be bound up, right, with truth and love and goodness and beauty. And for myself, I believe that these things have a creator, okay, and not only a creator, but a creator who is all truth and all love and all justice and all beauty. I don't think I have to tell you, right,

[00:11:14] that it's, you know, Jehovah God or something like that. No, no, no. I believe that we'll be bound up with the creator of the universe. And I believe further that that creator who loved us dreadfully, he wanted what was best for us and we did indeed turn from him. There was something about our human nature that is incompatible with what God has planned for us. And so, I believe he sent his only son, our Lord Jesus Christ,

[00:11:43] to suffer and die for us. And I believe that by the sacrifice of the God-man in his divinity and humanity to God himself, open the gates of paradise for us that we might someday rejoin our creator. So, I believe in heaven. I believe in hell. I believe there are people in both and I hope to one day reach glory if I continue to desire, choose, and love my Lord.

[00:12:13] Well, before we get to my speech, I want to ask you to just do two things, okay? One, if you have a question about death, about funerals, about grieving, about, I don't know, anything related to the world that I inhabit, don't be shy. Send me a message. Send me an email at deathandpodcast at gmail.com or log on to deathandpodcast.com

[00:12:43] and you can leave a message there. You can leave a voice memo. Or if you're too shy, you can reach out to me across the web, on the DMs, and just pick my brain if you need me. That's what I'm here for. I really aspire to be your friendly neighborhood undertaker. And so if there's something I can help you with, I want you to reach out. Two, if you're feeling extra brave, I want you to look into my book, Now Departing,

[00:13:11] A Small Town Mortician on Death, Life, and the Moments in Between. If you're not a reader, I recorded the entire audio book myself. I would really encourage any of you that are death curious enough, you must be a little death curious to get this far, but if you're death curious, I would love to just share that book with you, which opens up a little window into my life and really the lives of many undertakers just like me.

[00:13:41] And it'll tell you the truth. It'll tell you the hard things and the good things and the beautiful things. And I think you might walk away better for it. I don't know. A lot of reviews have told me that that's the case. But check it out. Now Departing on bookstore shelves everywhere or on Audible or wherever you get your audio books. All right, let's get into the speech.

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[00:15:16] Gutes für alle. Thank you for everything you've done. So, Mark Arnold, I have kind of a bone to pick with you. So initially, when I started writing down an outline of what I was going to say, I was going to say, Mark, you've given me a hard job because I have to speak to a room full of undertakers who've all been doing this, most of you, for as long or longer that I've been alive.

[00:15:42] And then you put me right after Dominic and lunch and Dominic opened with the same damn thing and he was just wonderful. If he was here, I'd make you guys give him another round of applause. But wasn't he just fantastic? I was just captivated. And the thing I noticed about Dominic is he's a wonderful storyteller. Now when Mark 2, when you gave me this assignment,

[00:16:11] you said, ah, you've got to speak for an hour and what are you going to call it? And my initial idea for a title was going to be I am not special and neither are you. Because that's true in some ways. But instead I settled on I could never do what you do. Because how many times have we heard that? Do you hear it all the time? I feel like when I was a, especially when I was in school,

[00:16:41] you know, or maybe when you're first starting out those first couple years, people hear about it and they see that you're young and maybe not a total weirdo. And they're like, oh, I can never do what you do. You notice that? Do you still hear it every now and again? I do. I do. And I think as the years have gone on, I live in a small town, okay? I've worn it 1,600 people, okay? And then my wife and I, four kids, make up like six of those.

[00:17:10] So, I mean, it's a small town. And the thing is, I think as the years have gone on, I've been there 12 years and I almost never hear it anymore. And I think the reason is because now I've served all the people that might have said that. Like they know what I do. Maybe they already know. Like, oh yeah, I can't do that. Because I see you driving through town at three o'clock in the morning, right? But there's something I think really profound about the idea

[00:17:38] that we are in this privileged position. Dominic, I mean, Dominic kind of stole my thunder because he had so many ideas. I feel like we should have just sat next to each other and just bantered because he had so many beautiful ideas. But we are in this privileged position to actually do something at a time when almost nobody else can. When Dominic was talking about this, I was dang near crying because I want to tell you

[00:18:06] about just my last four days. I wasn't planning on talking about this, but this is how funeral service works, right? Your schedule changes in an instant, right? Your life changes in an instant. I mean, someone else's life changes in an instant and all the rest of their families. My wife and I were visiting a high school friend of mine who lives on the big island of Hawaii. And I managed to leave the funeral home for five days, which was awesome. It doesn't happen that often.

[00:18:36] And as I'm disembarking the plane, I'm walking. You know how, you know, you've been on a plane lately and the aisle is about this wide and you're carrying your backpack, trying not to, you know, bump into the chairs as you're leaving. And my phone goes off as I'm walking off with my backpack. And it's one of my friends. And his 38-year-old wife died. On hospice. She'd only been on hospice maybe for a couple days. But he has children

[00:19:05] that go to school with my children. Like three kids under the age of 12. And I got off the plane. I drove home as fast as I could. Sped the whole way. Said hi to my kids. And walked right into the prep room to take care of my friend's wife. And so I was really feeling it. You know, when Dominic was talking about how we do something so special.

[00:19:38] Because my buddy didn't call the funeral home number. He didn't call and talk to the answering service. He just called me. Hoping I was going to be home at the right time. And so my boss, Mike Dubore, who I'm going to give accolades to at the end. He very kindly let me get out of town as about as late as I could and get here and spend the day with you guys.

[00:20:09] But he made the removal. And my friend helped carry his wife. Zipped her on the pouch. Rolled her out. And I got to make arrangements with him yesterday morning. And it's one of those blessings, I think, of the small town. How many of you here are small town undertakers? Yeah. Yeah, you know what's up.

[00:20:37] It's the blessing and the curse of the small town. One of the very first undertakers I ever really talked to was the undertaker in my wife's mother's hometown in western North Dakota. And his advice was the advice that I'm sure all of you have heard and all of you give. And it's, don't do it. The hours are bad. The pay is subpar. Right? You're going to see terrible things, do terrible things. He goes, then if you're in a small town, you're going to bury all your friends.

[00:21:06] And I found that's true. It's come to pass. I have buried my friends. But what a blessing and a privilege it is then to be called on my cell phone and imposed upon in this strange and wonderful way to say, hey, take my wife and give her back to me. And I think there's really something about that imposition. You know? I mean, hey, everyone here in the room

[00:21:35] knows when the phone rings at 2 a.m., you don't really want to get up and run off. Right? Like, I was talking to you earlier. It's the worst. Okay? It is. But what's the second thought? Okay, so the first thought when the phone rings is, ah, shit, not again. I mean, let's be honest. But the second thought is always, oh, someone needs me. Someone needs me.

[00:22:04] And like Dominic said, you know, they need you because, I mean, let's face it, there's nobody else that says yes at 2 in the morning when the phone rings. And there's nobody else that happens to know what the done thing is. How do I get in touch with the minister? What do we do about lunch? Who the hell digs a grave? I've never even heard of such a job. Right? But a privilege in a smoke town because you, you know the person. My friend's wife is on the table and she's

[00:22:33] a shrunken version of herself and a jaundiced version of herself. But as you go, you, you see the person come back. You've, many of you, have you embalmed people that you've known well? Yeah. But what a beautiful thing to watch them like, not come back to life, but to represent themselves to you. And then slowly, right, you make the additions. You make her rosy instead of yellow. Right?

[00:23:04] You do the makeup instead of kind of the, I don't know, the blunt look of death. You get the hair done. You get a person in their own clothes and all of a sudden, like, they're themselves again. Like, the magic is done. And I think it's really hard performing when people know the magic. Right? My friend releases his wife to me and in two days' time from now, when he and his three little kids are there,

[00:23:33] they're going to see mom as she is. But one of the challenges I find in Warren, which is very strange, Tiny knows about this, Warren is very strange because in our town of 1,600 people, I think we topped at 2,000 people at one time. We've produced something, I think, like 16, 17 undertakers since like the 60s. So just a ton of undertakers come from Warren. I don't know why. Almost none of them have worked

[00:24:02] at the funeral home. But surely, I could just start listing off names and you would know people from my little town in the middle of nowhere who are fellow morticians. But working under that kind of scrutiny is very, very tough because there's no magic. Right? It's not, you know, you come to the nursing home one day and the next day they look like themselves. Like, they know everything you're doing. My book, if you're interested, actually opens

[00:24:32] with the death of my boss, Mike Dubor's mother. And her husband, Chuck Dubor, is the oldest licensed courtician in the state. He's 89, going to be 90 this summer. Gets audits from the health department on his continuing education. Thank you. And he dutifully does them. He just, his last continuing education audit he wrote a letter with. He's like, I just finished my last class communicating effectively with seniors. So yeah, he's a stud. But it's,

[00:25:02] it's one of those things to be under such close scrutiny. Right? When the magic is gone. And I have to do that all the time because it seems like everybody in my town is related to at least one other undertaker. So that gets a little weird. But I, okay, so about my book, I want to tell you how this came about because I'm up here, I'm just some nobody. Okay? I'm not special. All right? From the middle of nowhere. But as it happens, the reason

[00:25:32] I'm here today is because of connection connection And it's much easier speaking to people that reach out to me on the internet and have questions about death. I can tell them about the connections that we make as funeral directors with families. It's a little harder to talk to you guys because you know exactly what I'm talking about. But in 2018, I had a beet farmer north of town die,

[00:26:02] Lloyd. And Lloyd died at home on hospice. Three in the morning, I think. Drove out to the middle of nowhere, got lost, which I don't do that often, but you have to understand, Warren is in the Red River Valley, which is uniformly flat and has almost no trees and there's no water. So we're really like the one part of Minnesota that has no lakes. There are just no way markers. All you have are straight roads that go perfectly parallel or perfectly perpendicular.

[00:26:32] There's no alternative. So I got lost on the way out there and I pull up at the house and the lights are on. I should have known because that's the only place the lights were on for miles. And we brought Lloyd out of the house and there were stairs and I work at a small place just myself and the owner so every death call I go on alone. So his son and son-in-law helped me carry him out. And we got to the back of the van and loaded him in and for

[00:27:01] whatever reason I, you know like how I made you do the stupid stand-up thing I just kind of say things. I've given up on trying to say the right thing anymore I just say whatever I want and I hope that my intention carries through. But we're standing there and I go boys you've done something really special for your dad this is this is what they call a mitzvah right? It's an act of charity that cannot be repaid. And so in the same way that Lloyd cannot carry you

[00:27:31] out of the house like you've done this thing for him he cannot do for you. It's perfect charity. Then I got in the car and drove off and didn't really think about it right? And a year later the son-in-law reaches out to me his name is John and he says Victor I just I just can't stop thinking about Lloyd's death. I'm a writer for Minnesota Public Radio can I just follow you around for a day? Sure. So he shows up at the funeral home I don't know what the day is going to look like. Quiet day

[00:28:01] nobody dies we just kind of BS and hang out. I show him the 100 year old pulley elevator that's the back of the funeral home we have lunch at my house with my wife and kids and he writes this article I'm going to get it wrong I'm going to try it's need for mortician increases as Minnesota ages okay sounds like a very boring article but he writes this article and he showed up he's like Victor I don't know what I'm going to write about I'm just going to follow you. So he writes this article ostensibly about death

[00:28:31] and about the need for morticians and I'm featured in it okay I'm like the dope in the article with the coffee mug standing in front of a casket and a year after that I get an email out of the blue from Wired Magazine do you guys know what Wired Magazine is? Okay it's owned by this mega conglomerate that owns like every other magazine you've ever heard of and I live under a rock in the middle of nowhere so I don't know what this is so I said yeah sure whatever you want to do a video

[00:29:00] like you heard my name in this article I'll do it so next thing I'm on a zoom call with a bunch of producers in the New World Trade Center and it's COVID time and you guys all remember maybe blacked out what that was like but they sent a film crew to my funeral home and we set up the studio in the front of the funeral chapel I hadn't slept for two days I had just been up like working for two straight days and they put me in

[00:29:30] front of a camera and I answered questions for three straight hours like basically unprompted I got them like the night before just to see like what kind of they were about but I didn't really look at them because I was you know trying to sleep and that video comes out and within three days it has like 14 million views I found out later that in 2021 when that came out it was the most viewed video through all of Condé Nast's platforms

[00:30:00] like GQ Men's Health Esquire all the single most viewed video and even now it's in the top 20 on Wired they have a 10 year old catalog it's in the top 20 and it only just got passed by Daniel Radcliffe answering Harry Potter questions so I feel really good because for a while there I was beating Harry Potter I felt pretty pretty cool but then what happens when you find yourself in this weird very forward I mean we're all in forward facing positions

[00:30:29] but when you find yourself in this weird kind of national global level is the sharks start to swarm right they can smell like they can smell the fresh meat and so I talked to like name a reality TV show would you name a reality TV show for me I don't watch good on you if you don't watch any yeah sorry can't do it that's okay good no I talked to the guy

[00:30:58] from Storage Wars I talked to the guy from one of the Gold Rush shows I talked to I don't think the Pawn Stars guys maybe the only one I didn't talk to but I talked to like probably 30 TV producers in the span of like a week and a half and they were offering me so much money they were like Victor we'll come follow you around the funeral home and we'll it'll be breeze and I was like I can't do that I have families

[00:31:27] I have families that need me I can't let you intrude this is my responsibility I'm the first and last line of defense in some cases and then another one was like how about game show we mutilate bodies we put them back together you can be the judge of the embalmers can you imagine yeah that one didn't go there was another one that's want to follow my family around like an Addams family style documentary

[00:31:58] but we're not that interesting so anyway I turned all those down and I realized very quickly that there is a deep interest and a deep need I think for people to know what goes on behind our doors and as our last presenter so aptly said there are many people claiming to do what we do go on YouTube for two minutes after this and just search mortician and if you don't get my picture you'll get

[00:32:28] five others that are either unlicensed or maybe they were licensed for ten minutes and quit right maybe they own a funeral home but have never worked at it okay I'm not naming names but you can find them and so they claim to do what we do and I realized that no this is this is my opportunity actually and I didn't really want to I'm extremely reluctant to do any of this by the way I'm a reluctant author I'm a reluctant viral star I'm a reluctant

[00:32:57] podcaster now I'm not a reluctant funeral director so I've got that going for me but it the thing is people need they want to know and there needs to be a voice out there just telling the truth and telling the truth in love which I think is is something we're all called to do it's extremely hard is it not to tell the truth but in love and so I just kind of jumped into the arena and I said well if I'm not going to do a reality TV series about mutilating bodies

[00:33:27] and judging embalmers I'm going to write a book because I control the narrative a little bit and so that's what you see before you I usually it's probably easier to explain to you but it it's part memoir it's part soft philosophy I like to think it's part just storytelling because I think at the heart I mean how many of you write the first draft of the obituary for your families do you guys do that can you raise your hand yeah yeah

[00:33:57] good man but it's it's one of those things I think almost all of us are natural storytellers I mean I was sitting in the in the hotel bar last night with a bunch of you we're all storytellers and I think one of the beautiful things is that if you do this long enough you learn how to tell what you say a BSer that's also true that that's that's true too yeah we're good at that but you learn how to tell the truth in love

[00:34:27] and so what I've even noticed is even today you know talking with some of you were talking in the bar last night is you share a story and you go yeah that's happened to me oh yeah I've done that before I've seen that right whether it's something really grisly or something silly or something stupid you know like have any of you embalmed your hand before okay yeah like the old guys yeah happened to me once by mistake Carlina but but so yeah the thing about it is you you learn

[00:34:57] and then there's no one up in shit is there you just you just nod your head it's just full commiseration oh yeah I've done that I've had to go through that before so that I think probably the great challenge about trying to sell a book about undertaking to undertakers is that if if one of you would read this you're gonna go oh yeah this is this is familiar territory every turn of the page it's gonna be just wildly familiar to you but I think in some ways that's

[00:35:26] what makes it beautiful because our our stories are not really told right it's still very much secretive or as I mentioned in the roundup you know people think we're vultures people think we're bad guys the the book the American way of death that was mentioned in the last presentation have any of you read that okay when I was in school right there were two schools about they're like this is the worst book ever written or they're like it's

[00:35:56] every word of it is true so I picked it up a couple years ago and like I'm gonna tell you right now about half of it is true half of it total bunk and I thought the funny part is there were all these numbers about what a funeral costs back in 1962 and I ran the numbers and it pretty much tracks with exactly what a funeral costs today so like in a world where where college the cost of college you know outstrips the cost of living the cost of health care like you

[00:36:26] know you know what that's about it turns out funeral service is pretty stable it hasn't actually changed so anybody who's who's grousing at you about the price I mean I don't I don't say the ones that they're talking about but you can refer them to the most scathing book about funeral service ever written in 1962 and you can look at the numbers and see that it just tracks that nothing has actually changed in there economically but I like to think I wasn't

[00:36:55] around back then but I I like to think that we as a profession have gotten very good we've gotten very good and the thing about it I guess as I as I as I think about this position I've I've found myself in is I stand on the shoulders of giants right there they're all the luminaries of restorative art or funeral service history right the Egyptians are held up to a high standard but at the end of the day like I have my employer

[00:37:25] Mike Dubour I give him all the credit he hired me to come work out in the middle of nowhere and I had a standing job offer in St. Paul you know that was going to come open and I moved to my little nowhere town and it's been 12 years I thought it was gonna be temporary and the fact is like I work with a guy who's really good at this and like why is he good at well it's because he tells the truth with love and because he

[00:37:54] just makes simple connection right because nobody says anymore I could never do what you do right because they know what he does and his dad Chuck you know gosh he comes in four times a day I had to laugh one time Mike's son was like so he came home from college he's like well so do you know my papa very well I was like dude I talked to your grandpa an hour and a half every day while I'm trying to work yeah I

[00:38:23] know him well but even to this day like I will not wear a suit coat into the dressing room because back in 1971 his helper cut Chuck's coat down the back and ripped it in half you know like you learn these things along the way but it makes me grateful for all of you so I guess in in closing when I when I picked this title I kind of picked it tongue in cheek not really knowing where I was going not really knowing what I was

[00:38:53] going to speak about and I realized that instead of being this inward looking idea of I can't do what you do Victor I realize you know that you is like the collective you we can't do nobody can do exactly what we do in our own particular way I think we should be proud of that and then likewise even with the book like I'm look I thought about it I

[00:39:23] have a little tin mug with Goldie the gopher on it that I got when I graduated and I thought about bringing it and like asking for donations because I desperately want to sell my book I think it's good but the fact is any one of you could write every story that's in here like if you read the book you could just transpose names and situations and any one of these stories is exactly your own with maybe a few alterations so when I when

[00:39:51] I say I could never do what you do I say it with the utmost gratitude and thanks so thank you everyone for listening to me lab on about something we all know thank you Mark for inviting me and for those of you listening on the podcast thanks for tuning in this has been another episode of death

[00:40:14] and thank you we've got some time I had you guys I'd like a nine-page speech that I just did not even talk about but that's how it goes so I thought we do Mark want to do a little Q&A so I wanted to build in time for that and I mean to be honest I don't

[00:40:44] know what the hell all you guys are going to ask me since you live my life but if you have questions about book publishing or any of that nonsense I have learned a lot about it so yeah any questions or thoughts or comments and if you've read the book you can you can you can give me compliments comments as well I don't mind yes how do you address the concern about private family viewing prior to

[00:41:13] cremation in a small little town like northern how do we address the concern of private family viewing yeah that's really it's really strange because in my little town just about everybody's related to everybody else but me so yeah private family viewing can be a lot of people as it turns out you know I'm very lucky one of the things we try to do is we just try to couch it with the idea that like this is for

[00:41:41] the immediate family and like try to head it off so like if you if you want your second cousins to all be here maybe we should embalm and that I mean I like we've given it away before like people balk at it but I mean like is there a substantial difference between an unembalmed private family viewing and a viewing tray and embalming the person so we can like really present them I'm so I I would say more honestly though more often than not when

[00:42:10] we talk when I talk especially with families about the value of embalming and we talk about time and we talk about restoration right we don't have to rush all of a sudden time and restoration I'd say most families opt for embalming because like they've also seen my work right we all live shoulder to shoulder so I I had a friend um a couple years ago uh he was living with my parents who lived down in Georgia at the time and he's an only child and his dad passed away in Minneapolis and

[00:42:40] so he was uh he was in the cusp of like buying a house he had a lot of stuff going on and he's he's with my parents just freaking out my dad's like hey just call Victor ask him and I was like hey here's the deal like I'm not trying to sell you on anything but why don't you have your dad embalmed you can go see him but you can close on your house you don't have to try to close on your house and leave on a flight that day and you know try to pack up everything in my parents house and he came back to me and he was like

[00:43:08] Victor that week of time was so important he's like and I was so happy to see my dad again he'd ask me like well what does he wear I don't know where his stuff is I was like he was he was he was a football player my friend was and I was like get him one of your jerseys you know just do do what comes most naturally to you and yeah but the whole part about restoration and time time seems I think to really turn the table a little bit

[00:43:38] because at least where I work I don't have refrigeration so we're like hard up on that 72 hour line and so that's that's been very helpful I think to me so that tends to tip the scales if that answers your question all right any more questions please yes do you have books for sale I do right up so yeah my book is for sale out around the corner you probably saw it on the way in Mark got me a primo spot yeah they're $29 in tax the publisher sets the price I

[00:44:07] don't I will sign it for free I mean of course it's gonna be free but I'll sign it and write you a nice note and just be super grateful one thing I would ask and I'll probably say it again if you get a copy because I'd really love your feedback to be honest because I get a lot of feedback from strangers you know or people who are maybe just dipping their toes into death for the first time or students I talk to them I talk to a lot of students okay

[00:44:33] yeah but uh I don't get all that much feedback from fellow professionals I get some but if you read it and you're like Victor this sucks just tell me okay just reach out and find me call me at the funeral home you know we're in we're in the old uh the old red book but uh but no I I would I would just love that if you would do that yes ma'am what you said you have four kids what do your what do your kids think about all this uh just about

[00:45:02] funeral service or like quasi fame you know this is the other blessing of being in a small town is that I already know everyone so I never get spotted in the wild like I have I've only is I've only been spotted in the wild twice once when I was in Grand Forks going to dinner and once I was in an airport when I was going to LA and they're like you're the guy from the funeral video uh but no like everybody already knows me so they just don't like oh yeah that's Victor from the funeral I had my name tag with just my first name uh because the

[00:45:30] small town folks know like I don't even use my last name one it's not a local last name but I don't even use it because I'm just Victor from the funeral home and and I found out I'm the only living Victor in my county so all all the rest are already in the cemetery so it's a very short list of victories yeah but yeah my kids uh you know it's just dad's job and it's it's really funny so my my oldest son like does not come to the funeral home and my

[00:45:58] middle son has been with me on two death calls now uh mostly because it comes at dinner time and he's being a little shit and my wife can't take it anymore so he just hops in the car so we yeah we've gone on I like one we went to another funeral home uh one we went to a nursing home and he just waited in the car uh but yeah so he's he's around a little more and he kind of likes it um I kind of hope he doesn't like it that much though you know what I mean I like I'm gonna give him the exact same

[00:46:28] advice advice I got like yeah the hours are bad like you want to you want to be unhappy just be a funeral director um but I just love it I also can't not do it because I'm dumb and stubborn and I think all of us probably share those same traits foolishness and stubbornness yeah my my kids like are not impressed by me in any conceivable metric I'm just dad

[00:46:56] yes sir what are your impressions on like the future of social media and funeral service what are my impressions on the future of social media and funeral service well I will tell you sir I am trying to try to tie down that a little bit um yeah it's it's very interesting it's an interesting landscape so you have the hucksters that I mentioned um you also have like more normal people getting into it just students or younger morticians kind of getting their hat into the ring they're a lot like way more popular than me on tiktok I guess the

[00:47:25] cool kids are on tiktok these days um so I think we're going to be actually quite saturated with funeral media here pretty soon um of course there's always the great concern because like privacy is very tough um like for instance even in my book this was this was very strange so when you when you write a memoir the the head like legal dude at simon and schuster was like victor you can use people's names as much as you want there are no rules when you write a memoir did you know that

[00:47:55] no rules I could just use first and last names on everybody and there's apparently not a thing they can do to me um but I wasn't going to do that so what I did is I actually made a catalog of every person I mentioned and then I contacted them because we all know each other on first name basis and contacted them and sent them the part of the book they were in and said hey here's the deal like I had a whole form written up right of if you want to use yours or your real loved one's name

[00:48:24] like just tell me so and sign off if you say no check the box and sign it and I'll change the details to make it anonymous um but I would say probably nine out of ten maybe a little more the nine out of ten people in my town chose to actually use their real names uh which is which I think is a badge of honor um but that's one of the things I do think that is very tricky about social media because it proliferates so fast you know you don't have time to check all your sources and see

[00:48:53] what people and families that you talk about think so uh yeah oftentimes like I'll I'll do like a gender swap or just use really obscure details if I'm talking about a particular case um but it's extremely challenging to learn how to do that on the fly you know um so yeah I think we're gonna be pretty saturated pretty soon I don't think it's the boogeyman that it once was uh when I was in school like the the word is like never use social media right you will get caught

[00:49:22] and then you will go to jail uh and it hasn't been that bad but I I I do I do think there's now just so much information out there that it's at least a little incumbent upon me to just talk about reality because sometimes you do hear only the glitzy things or only the macabre right and I don't I don't think that's all of it I think it has to be well balanced thank you for the question Victor what was you you answered twitter questions on your video yeah is there one

[00:49:50] that just stood out to you that you thought was just um yeah probably my favorite one so far uh was look at all those embalming fluids look at all the colors they look so tasty uh which wasn't a question uh which I answered you forgot the blue flavor display yeah everyone knows yeah um no it's it's really weird so I so yeah part of part of my podcast and part of what I try to do is also just continue

[00:50:20] to solicit questions so I kind of got the viral thing by answering questions from twitter um and now I I still try to solicit them so uh for folks at my podcast uh I have an email address it's death and podcast at gmail.com or I have a website death and podcast.com where folks can submit questions either in writing or upload an audio file which is kind of cool so they can record their questions and we can hear their voices on the show um but

[00:50:49] the questions are good some are really poignant some are really stupid um and it's kind of the mix that makes it fun you know so I think no thank you everyone thank you for listening to me blather on about something we already know and uh I want to be generous with your time so with that I will leave you all thank you

[00:51:09] so very much there's a topic I brought up in the speech and I use the word magic magic right I I like to sometimes think of embalming and restorative art right the re-presentation of a deceased back to their family I like to think of it as magic uh because in some ways not everybody knows

[00:51:39] what goes on behind the door it's a secret it's not secret to me maybe it's not a secret to you anymore as you listen to more and more of my podcast but the fact is most people release their bodies to the funeral home and they don't know how it comes that someone starts as the emaciated shell of themselves in the deathbed and by the time they are re-presented to their family look more like how we remember them

[00:52:10] it's magic and I'm not saying it's magic in a you know wave your wand kind of way that involves a lot of hands-on experience uh and a lot of trial and error and a lot of heart and art uh but the fact is there's there's something beautiful in that I can give someone back to their family and they don't know they don't have to know all the gory details they don't have to know the time I can simply smile and say you're welcome

[00:52:41] and that's enough there's the magic anyway I'm glad you listened uh to our oddball episode today and really grateful you were here uh we're all friends we're all in this together so until we meet again I'm Victor M Sweeney and this has been another episode of Death Hand