Death And Dynasty (with Patrick Lynch)

[00:00:03] To embolden people to do things that they didn't think they were capable of doing is a big part of our job. That's one of the more significant things that we can do, to get through this in a productive way, in a way that assists them rather than depletes them.

[00:00:34] Death and Dynasty Today we have a very wonderful episode. We have an interview with Patrick Lynch. He's someone who's very special in my family because he is the Sweeney family's undertaker back where my people are from in Michigan. Now, the reason I have it titled Dynasty today is because Patrick is a second generation funeral director.

[00:01:04] His family members have followed in his footsteps. They now have three generations at Lynch and Sons Funeral Directors, kind of scattered about Michigan. And to me, I think our discussion really circles around some very important topics as undertakers. I'm talking to another undertaker so we can kind of talk shop.

[00:01:25] But what's really interesting as we kind of circle the drain about Dynasty, we're not talking at all about how you build a business. It's not about brick and mortar. It's not about SBA loans or how to find the right person to work for you. Rather, we're talking about the why. We're not talking about the how of business, but we're talking about the why. Why we do this. What is it for?

[00:01:51] What is the ethos behind a good funeral director? And then knowing what we know, doing what we do, valuing what we value. That is what the business is built upon. That is where the trust comes from. We talk about leading in suffering, right? Funeral directors are very, very good at suffering themselves.

[00:02:22] So we're leading in that, right? We're bringing families through suffering while also suffering alongside of them, right? We call that compassion. We talk about corporal works of mercy, a Catholic idea. We talk about, is it a calling? Is it a duty? Is it a mental illness or a fetish for being in hard situations? Maybe sometimes.

[00:02:46] But the fact remains that much of what we do, we stand on the shoulders of giants. He learned it from his dad, right? I learned it from other funeral directors and in part from the lynches, just being in the background of my youth, knowing that when something bad happens, who do you call? You call the lynches.

[00:03:11] And finding myself in that position today in my own town for families, assisting families as well. Before we get into our interview, which I think you will really enjoy, I'm going to answer some questions. We've got some really good ones coming in today. So buckle up. Let's see what we got. Here's a question that came to me from Olivia. Hi, Victor. My name is Olivia.

[00:03:41] I'm 17 years old. I just wanted to ask you how you got into your career. And do you ever regret it? Can it be rewarding? And would you recommend your job? Good questions. I've given the full treatment about how I got in here a couple times. It's in my book, more in depth, obviously. But the short form is this. I always wanted to be a priest. And when I discerned out of that, I didn't know what I was going to do next.

[00:04:11] And through a book by Thomas Lynch, brother of our guest today, called The Undertaking. Fine book. Highly recommend it. I realized that this profession was something that maybe I could do. And so I started doing it. I just got a job at a funeral home and tried it out. And the rest is history. I found I was suited for it and foolish enough and stubborn enough and enjoyed suffering enough to do this wonderful, beautiful, terrible, awful, fantastic, lovely job.

[00:04:40] To the rest of your question then, do you ever regret it? Yes. Often. There are times when I wonder why the hell I do this. Just the other day, I disinterred a baby, the second one this summer. And when I found the collapsed casket and shoveled out all the remains, I found what I thought was a blanket. Oftentimes, you wrap up a small baby in a blanket. And it was not. It was a onesie.

[00:05:10] Full of bones. And it was not pleasant. And I had to sift through them. So I ask myself, why do I do this? But really, I think it comes down to doing it out of love. I love other people. And I want to show love to them in the way that I particularly know how, which is how to embrace this very acute kind of suffering that we deal with in death. So do I regret it? Yes. Often. But also, I can't not do it. I also love it very much.

[00:05:39] Can it be rewarding? Absolutely. That's what it's all about. I wonder sometimes if I'm just seeking after a small reward, right? The little endorphin rush when someone says, boy, she sure looks good in the casket. Maybe. Maybe. But I think it's deeper than that. That helps. That helps on hard days. Believe me. It doesn't go unnoticed. All funeral directors love compliments. But it's very rewarding. It's rewarding to be the person that people call when they're in trouble.

[00:06:07] Just the other day, I had somebody pass away. And the family called the sheriffs because it was an unattended death. And then they called me on my cell phone because they knew I could be the one to help next. And that's extremely rewarding on a very deep level. And the last part of your question, would you recommend it? That is, I don't know. Yes and no. Yes and no. I think to the right person, it's a wonderful job. But I don't know if it can be even recommended.

[00:06:37] I think every person has to find it for themselves. Stumble into it, if you will. Chase it down. Our guest today talks about that as well. He gave himself a grace period, which you'll hear about. And then in the grace period, you realize that indeed it is the grace you need. And that it's something you must do for good or ill. So thank you for the question, Olivia. And good luck on your own journey. Here's a question from Vita Mors.

[00:07:06] I'm a mortuary science student currently completing my first set of embalming clinicals. As is common in any embalming, there was a release of anal purge from massage or general manipulation during the procedure. Since my first case on Monday, now it's Wednesday, I have been experiencing occasional whiffs of purge smell even after leaving the facility. Is that normal or is my brain just being dramatic? Hmm, good question. Okay, first let's address anal purge. It's a bummer.

[00:07:36] As I like to say, death shits are the worst kind. Now there are a couple different ways to deal with this. Some funeral homes will just kind of clean a person up and put a diaper on them, which I think is dumb. I think that is the band-aid on the wound because then what if it keeps coming and then fills the diaper and then you get the death shits underneath the clothing? You don't want that. So I learned this when I worked in the whole body cadaver lab because we had to clean out the bowels of every individual force

[00:08:05] that we were going to study. is just stick the hose right up the bum, flush it out, push down on the abdomen. Just flush it. If you're getting purge, you don't have to do this with everyone. But if you're already getting purge, just do the job, get everything out because then you don't have to worry about it again. Okay, so that's my advice. No diapers, no foolishness. Deal with the smell, deal with the mess one time and then you're done. Now to your second question, which is probably the heart of it.

[00:08:34] Is your brain being dramatic? You're still smelling that smell? I'd say yes, your brain is being dramatic on you. But don't feel bad because you are in wonderful company. The same thing happens to me. I'll go on a house call where maybe there is advanced decomp and I will just smell it in my nose for a day from time to time. And there's no reason I should, right? You come home from that and you just wash and scrub and do whatever you need to do.

[00:09:03] But the smell remains because it's locked in your brain. Smell is a very, it's attached to memory in a strange way. Someday we'll get a neuroscientist on here or something to tell us about it. But in the meantime, yes, it's just your brain. Don't worry. And two, you're early at this. You're young. You will smell worse smells than that. Trust me. And so you will just have that happen from time to time and just know it's gross and know, like all things, it passes away. Thanks for the question.

[00:09:39] Thank you, everyone, for the wonderful questions. It's always so exciting to honestly just discover what the questions are. I do not read them in advance of telling them to you right here on the microphone. So it's a surprise for me. And it's fun to just do it ad lib and really, you know, answer you as I would. If you just walked up to me on the street and had a strange question about death, pretty much how I'd answer it.

[00:10:04] If you have a strange question about death, you are welcome to send it to me at deathandpodcastatgmail.com. Or if you are a brave soul, you can go to deathandpodcast.com and leave me a voice memo. Those are always fun to hear from. And it's a treat. It's a treat to have you join me on the podcast. It's a treat to have your interaction here because we are all in this together.

[00:10:28] I like to think this is not my podcast, not my guest's podcast, although they are terribly important. It's ours. We share it and how lucky we are to do that. Our guest today, Mr. Patrick Lynch, is the past president of the National Funeral Directors Association. He is the director at Lynch and Sons Funeral Directors in Clausen, Michigan.

[00:10:56] They have a handful of other chapels as well, all run by members of the Lynch family. One thing I read about ages ago when his dad started the funeral home, he called it Lynch and Sons Funeral Directors. Not funeral home, but funeral directors. Putting the impetus on the individual doing the work, not simply the building, but the individual.

[00:11:21] And I think our discussion today, as it turns out, reflects that idea. Even so, another generation down, right? In this dynasty of lynches, dad started it and he realized this is about the directors. And the sons know that. And the grandsons and granddaughters know that. And it's something I've learned along the way too.

[00:11:47] I'm on the cusp of working to buy into the funeral home I work at. And honestly, it's been rather stressful. It keeps me up at night and I worry about it, even though I try not to worry about things. And the thought has come to me many a time. What shall I call the funeral home when it becomes mine? When I own it? For whatever that's worth. As poor a businessman as I likely will be. What shall I call it?

[00:12:17] Sweeney Funeral Home in a town where almost nobody knows my last name. And I finally realize what I shall call it. Bodies by Victor. No, just kidding. But I do think I might do Sweeney Funeral Directors. Because there's some wisdom there. That it's on the men and women doing the job. Not simply on the business. Because it's more than business.

[00:12:44] Anyway, let's get into our interview with Patrick Lynch. We are so lucky to have him on. Here we go. Ingrid und Indeed präsentieren. Jobs, bei denen man sich keinen Fehler erlauben darf. Heute Steuerberaterin. Wie sieht meine Steuererklärung aus? Super Neuigkeiten. Sie müssen dieses Jahr keine Steuern zahlen. Wie? Ich hab drauf geschrieben. Nein, danke.

[00:13:13] Das Finanzamt muss das respektieren. Ingrid! Das ist ein Job für Sponsored Jobs. Mit richtigen Profis wär das nicht passiert. Vertrau Ingrid! Versuch Indeed! Und finde qualifizierte Talente mit Sponsored Jobs. Mach's dir Indeed einfach. Jetzt auf indeed.de. Welcome everyone today to our discussion with Patrick Lynch. Patrick is the Managing Director of Lynch & Sons in Clausen, Michigan,

[00:13:42] and a past president of the National Funeral Directors Association. In addition to that, we also have some family ties and grew up around the same area of Michigan. So, Pat, welcome to the show. Thank you, Victor. I'm glad to be with you. I wanted to first start off and just thank you very publicly. When my book came out, I sent you and your brother, the very renowned Thomas Lynch, a copy of my book.

[00:14:10] I don't know if he's read it yet, but you did right away. Okay. And you called the funeral home and we had just such a lovely chat. And I wanted to thank you publicly for just being so kind to me. And honestly, I think for reading a book about funeral service, because if, I mean, to be honest, I think you could have written the book just as well as could basically any real life mortician, I think. Well, I think you did a great job with the book. And I think you covered so many topics that touched my heart.

[00:14:40] And you really seem to come at this work that we do from the right direction, which is to assist people with what they're going through and do it in a compassionate and thoughtful way. And you really said as much in your book. So I did want to reach out to you and compliment you. You know, we've all read books about the work that we do that are not so accurate. Yes. So it was nice to read yours.

[00:15:10] Well, and there is something. So you actually, well, and your brother, Eddie, we'll talk about your family here shortly, but you guys buried my grandma in 2006. Grandma Sweeney, you buried my grandma. Yeah. And do you remember that? No, I don't. I don't remember. I have to be honest with you. I don't. No, I. I remember you telling me about it. No, I feel bad about that even myself sometimes because I, you know, I, my funeral home is certainly smaller than yours.

[00:15:41] But, you know, there are people you serve and you get close to their family and you help them and you know everybody's name. And then like within two months, all that information is totally gone and refilled with a whole new cast of characters. Well, I think that what you're speaking to is really an honest look at what we do, which is focus very strongly for those several days on the people that we're helping.

[00:16:08] And we kind of tune out most everything else in our lives, which is unfortunate often for our families and for others around us because the focus is pretty intense when you're assisting a family. And then you move on to the next family and that focus changes. So while I do recall many, many families that we've served over the years, I have to be honest and say I can't remember them all. Yeah.

[00:16:37] And that's, I'll tell you what, I have a very, I have a very like standard block that I have, which is where I, I just do not, I have a really hard time remembering names that are Scandinavian. And it's very unfortunate for me because I am in a predominantly Scandinavian area. So like if your last name is Nelson, Larson, Olson, like those details are gone. I just, I can't put a name to a face with that.

[00:17:02] But if your name is, you know, Krakowski, Fieckowski, Pribilski, those I remember usually. But yeah, the Olsons, Larsons, Nelsons, just they get too muddled up for me to remember them all. Yeah. It's just, it's just one of those things. And, and the stray time I get an Irish family, which is extremely rare as I think, I think I'm one of like two Irish families in the County. I remember everything.

[00:17:28] Cause I, I feel it, you know, Pat, tell me about your family because you are, I'm going to guess, are you a, are you third generation funeral director? No, I'm second generation. Okay. So, so our funeral homes really see their origin in 1948. When my father came home from the second world war, he served in the Marine Corps in the South Pacific.

[00:17:55] And he was at that time madly in love with my mother. They were childhood sweethearts. They met in the fifth grade. And my father went away to the war immediately after he graduated from St. Francis de Sales High School in Detroit in 1942. He graduated in June. And by August, he was getting ready to ship out.

[00:18:18] And, uh, he served four years in the South Pacific and corresponded regularly with my mother. We have some of the letters that he sent home to her. We don't have any of the letters that she wrote to him. And she did so daily. Uh, but that was in the jungle of the South Pacific and long gone. But some of the ones that we have that he sent to her are genuine treasures.

[00:18:46] One specifically I keep in a bureau in my office at the funeral home. And it's the letter where he explains that upon his return from the Marine Corps, they're going to settle down, get married, go on a honeymoon. And when they return, they're going to get down to business and open that funeral home that he's always dreamed of.

[00:19:12] And, uh, by his, by his account is going to have a separate entrance for her to go to the apartment upstairs. And with any luck, he'll even throw in a junior partner. And by the time he died, uh, he had several junior partners and several funeral homes. So I think, uh, that's the origin though. 1948. That really speaks to me. I'm, I'm a first generation funeral director. Yeah. Um, you know, and,

[00:19:39] and for whatever reason, and, and, and so you're second generation, but you, you, you, you, boy, you feel the call. And I, what I, I mean, this is how I feel about it. I, I love the profession. Also, I hate it. Yeah. Um, but I, like, I, I can't not do it. There's something about it where I, like, I tell people my, my brain is broken. Like, this is the thing I have to do. And even though, like, there are times where I really don't want to work and hate it.

[00:20:09] Like, I also love every minute of it. So there's, there's just a screw loose in there and I cannot. Well, I don't know so much of a screw loose. You get drawn to it and you recognize the significance of the work that you're doing. Uh, I'll never forget when I was away at college and not, uh, certain of what I was going to do in terms of a career path. I came home and, uh, decided, well, I'm going to go to mortuary school. So I announced that to my dad and said, I, I think I want to be a funeral director.

[00:20:39] I think I'll go to mortuary school now. And I did. And I, when I graduated and, and, uh, joined, uh, him and his work, I said, dad, I want you to understand something. I'm not certain if this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, but I'm certain I want to try it. And if you'll allow me this, let me do this for a year and I will give it my all.

[00:21:06] And, and if after a year I realized this work isn't for me, I hope you won't be offended or in any way, think less of me. He said, I wouldn't have it any other way. Find out what you like. Well, six months in, I realized this is exactly what I want to do, what I feel meant to do. And I gave the same advice to my son, Patty, when he came out of college, went away, did

[00:21:35] some mission work in Haiti for a while, came back. And the way he presented it to me was, I'm so overwhelmed by the suffering here in Haiti. He worked in the missions with Mother Teresa's people and an order of, of priests. And he said, you know, I'm in the poorest hemisphere, the poorest country in the Western hemisphere. And the suffering is so extreme.

[00:22:03] He worked in a hospice home for children and dying infants. And he said, I can't do anything about this suffering. It's beyond anything that I can touch. But you deal with people who are suffering every single day. And suffering is suffering. The difference is you can do something about it.

[00:22:26] Even if it's as simple as saying, I'll organize all the details so that you don't have to worry about it. You're doing something to assist them in their suffering. I want to do that work. And he came home and went to mortuary school. And I gave him the exact same advice my father gave me. Give it a year. If you find out it's not for you, no harm, no follow. Well, he's a dozen years in and loves every minute of it. Yeah. Well, he doesn't love every minute of it.

[00:22:57] He's right there with us. He loves what he's doing. That's right. No, because there is something, you know, I've thought about this a lot that, you know, okay, so you help people with their suffering, but you're not on the outside being like, this is how you fixed your suffering. Like you're in the trenches with the family, which I think is a beautiful, challenging thing but especially as you, you know, you're integrated in your community. I'm integrated in mine.

[00:23:24] When people begin to suffer like that, like they just reach out and find you. They go, oh, this guy, like this guy knows about suffering. I've seen him, you know, do this thing for other people. Like now he can help me. Well, Victor, how many people have told us that just when we've walked in the room to assist them,

[00:23:47] their entire mood changes to one of being, I'll be taken care of now. Yeah. I'll get some direction. And how strange is that? Because I was just making, I was just making phone arrangements, which I think are the least compelling type of funeral arrangements. But I had to make phone arrangements for someone that lives far away in the state.

[00:24:11] And even just the relief of saying, hey, I just want you to know my first job is to make this a little bit easier for you. And if there's something, you know, I'm going to take care of all this stuff in the background. But if there's something along the way, Victor, this is too hard. You call me and I'll figure it out for you. Yeah. And if you want to call me at midnight, I'll answer the phone. I don't really care. And that even just that, I think, puts people at ease.

[00:24:38] And as you say, when you walk in the room where there's a deathbed and a body and a family around it, to watch them visibly relax for the first time in maybe days is really quite remarkable. It is. And I think, you know, it's the fear of the unknown. It's the suffering. But as someone who suffers all the time and knows at least a little bit of the unknown, like you walk in and they just see you're not fazed by this.

[00:25:06] Well, I think that there's a depth of what people are experiencing that they haven't experienced in the past. And they don't know exactly how to feel and what to do. And just to have someone there who has experienced it with other people on many occasions to say, I can't fix this for you. I can't make this go away.

[00:25:33] But what I can do is make sure that you don't forget anything that you ought to be considering as we move forward these next several days and weeks. And that's a comfort to just say, OK, somebody will take that off of me and assist me and move them down this road for the next few days. And then we help the next family. And we always come back.

[00:25:59] We always have that relationship, you know, because as we say, we're swimming in the deep end of the pool. This is not the waiting pool that we're in. Yeah, it's it's a blessing. I don't know. And I think the advice you gave your son is wise because I talk about it with my own family. And I have one of my sons. I worry. I worry that he also will have the itch and he'll want to become an undertaker, too. Yeah.

[00:26:29] And my and my wife is like, oh, Lord, please don't don't make him become an undertaker. And I'm like, I never would. I never would. Because this is something, you know, part of the suffering and part of the beauty of it is like you get to there are a lot of sufferings in your life you don't get to choose. But this one, like you get to take the mantle upon yourself. And I think that's I think that's really powerful. And also, I would say this.

[00:26:54] I don't want to be too bold, but I would say, too, Irish Catholics are very good at suffering. We're just like we're built for it. I feel like in a lot of ways. Well, you know, I do think that that in assisting people who are experiencing something that they can't get through solo is what the funeral is really designed to be. It is an event where people aren't invited.

[00:27:22] But they're all welcome. It's different from a wedding where you have to have a specific invitation for a funeral. There is no invitation. You are welcome. Please come and help. And that's the difference. So when we assist people at that time and make sure that all of the details are taken care of, they never forget it when it's done properly.

[00:27:49] And we hope to do it properly the vast majority of the time. And thank God that's been our experience over the years. But it does make a difference to people. They never forget. Just like, you know, we talked at the commencement of this discussion. We can't remember every detail of every family we've served. But most of those families remember a lot of the details about us. I remember being in your funeral home in 2006.

[00:28:17] So I would have been 15. I was already thinking about funeral service. My dad was like, hey, go talk to that guy. I went to school with him. It was your brother, Eddie Lynch. And I was way too afraid. But I remember what my grandma wore. And I remember she was in the Batesville doe skin oval top cloth covered casket because we had visitation and mass. And then she was cremated and sent down to St. Louis for burial next to my grandpa. I'll be there.

[00:28:47] But like, I remember these things. Yes. And the funny thing about it is every time I use the low end cloth covered casket, I think about my grandma. And then I think about you guys, you know, but just, yeah, like a detail that would mean nothing to anybody else. Like I still think about. Sure. Sure. And I do think that that's a lot of where it is. You brought up the word assisting.

[00:29:16] And I think what I really, a little connection, strange connection I made is back in the old days, right? When you go to mass, right? You'd say, I'm assisting at mass. Yes. Right? Which means you're actually just showing up. Yeah. Uninvited. Yeah. And, but that's, it's like a, it's a deeper word. It's a deeper word. Well, it is. It is. But showing up is exactly what we do. And that's what separates us from the vast majority of people.

[00:29:46] When there is absolute sadness, absolute grief, most people avoid it. Most people say, let's let them be to themselves. Let them have their privacy. Where we say, no, no, we're going to sit here with you. We won't walk out of the room. We close the door behind us. Stay there. It's the truth. It's the truth. Stay there. Everybody else is trying to, where's the exit from this? Because it is uncomfortable. It's not easy.

[00:30:16] It's difficult work. But that's what makes it so rewarding. You know, when you go home at night at the end of a day and you've assisted a family in getting through perhaps the toughest day of their life to that point, you can put your head on the pillow and say, I did something good today. I did something for some fellow pilgrims that was important. And I like to say, you know, when we do a burial service and we're shoveling the earth

[00:30:44] into the grave, I often like to remind the people who are participating in that. And we do that a great deal. When I first started in funeral service 50 plus years ago, the idea was go into a chapel for the committal and keep everything very sanitary and everybody would leave. And then the cemetery folks would come out and commence the burial. Nobody would see it. And it's the opposite of that in my career now. As it should be.

[00:31:13] And for the last 25 years, as it should be. There was this idea of sanitation somehow and keeping everything out of the public eye back then, which was counterproductive and not healing and not helpful. And we came back to where we belonged. So today, as we're shoveling the earth into the grave and everybody participates, I'll often

[00:31:36] tell this little ditty that in the Jewish culture, this is fundamental. This is fundamental to shovel the earth in over the deceased. And it's considered to be the ultimate mitzvah, a mitzvah being an act of kindness. This is the ultimate mitzvah because we're doing something for someone who can no longer do anything for us. It's the ultimate mitzvah to bury the dead.

[00:32:07] In our Christian world, and particularly the Catholic culture, it's the seventh and final and perhaps the most important corporal work of mercy. You know, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, house the homeless, bury the dead. Because we're doing something for someone who can no longer do anything for us. And when people hear that, they say, give me that shovel. Yeah, that's right. I want to participate. Yeah.

[00:32:36] This is healing. It is. This is the heavy, heavy work and it's healing work. No, I remember, I remember I had a young man pass away who, you know, it was one of those where we all thought it was drugs. And then it turned out it was some kind of aneurysm, right? Some kind of congenital aneurysm. And so his mom has been on this roller coaster, right? Of thinking it's drugs. And then it turns out to just be an act of God.

[00:33:05] And she's just a wreck. Like she comes to the funeral home for visitation. She throws herself on him. She's screaming his name. Day of the funeral, right? The next day. Same thing. She's throwing herself on the casket. She's, you know, you can't take my son from me. You can't take my son from me. And I just kind of throw my arm around her like right towards the end. And I was like, we're going to close the casket together. You and me. We're going to do this together. And I know you can do it.

[00:33:35] And all of a sudden she straightens up. And we walk over to the casket. And I undo the lock. And we tuck him in. I undo the lock. She reaches up and closes the casket and puts her hand on top. You know, almost slams it on top. And then she makes it to the funeral. And then we get to the graveside. And yeah, we watch the casket lowered, right? And yes, we watch the grave box lid. Boom! Thud down.

[00:34:02] And she looks at me and she goes, I'm a little better now. I'm a little better now. And that's all it took. But it sometimes is those very tangible corporal works that make the difference. And I even watch that in my community. You know, for a long time, we'd bring the casket out to the cemetery. We don't have a chapel in our cemetery. Bring it out. We put it on the device. And everybody wanders away. And then we eventually lower it.

[00:34:30] Just myself and the corpse and the guy from the vault company. And just last week, I had a burial like that. It was like, no, no, we don't want to see it. And I was like, hey, I think we should lower the casket and you should be here. And they look at me and go. I was like, it'll be hard. It'll be one of the harder things. But I know you can do it. And we did it. And to watch the visible change from apprehension and fear and grief.

[00:34:59] Obviously, there's still lots of grief. But all of a sudden, you're standing straight. And you're ready to face whatever is coming next, as opposed to not knowing what comes next. Like, you've done the thing. Yeah. To embolden people to do things that they didn't think they were capable of doing is a big part of our job. And that's one of the more significant things that we can do, is to embolden people.

[00:35:26] To get through this in a productive way, in a way that assists them rather than depletes them. I listened to what you were saying just a minute ago, Victor, and this mother who said, you can't take my son from me. We have a local minister whose son died as a very young man of tragic circumstances. And he made a statement. He wrote it in a book that he wrote, actually.

[00:35:52] And he made a statement that I've never forgotten. He said, I can't believe in my theology, in my psychology, and in my heart that God took my son from me. He wouldn't do that. He's an all-loving God. But here's what I do believe. God received my son. And there's a big difference between taking and receiving.

[00:36:21] And I think that's important for us to remember, that there is a loving God. And that loving God receives us into his loving arms upon death. He doesn't reach down and pluck us from this earth. That old nonsense that God only takes the good or God only takes the best. Yes. Yes. Yeah. God broke our hearts to prove to us he only takes the best. Remember that little one? But I like to believe that God receives us all.

[00:36:50] He doesn't take us all. There's a difference. And even if you were an atheist or believed in any number of things, let's say you were an atheist. Like the idea of a great cosmic nothing taking something from you is almost nonsensical. Sure. Sure. You know? But it is, you know, I think that's man's natural proclivity is to kind of attribute malice to most things.

[00:37:19] Yeah. But it is true that when you have someone in the room like yourself who's done this a long time and who's suffered a long time, you know, alongside families, right? We talk about compassion, right? To suffer with someone. And maybe it's not in the same way, but you suffer alongside them in your own way. But you have someone who's done that for a very long time and they can be your guide kind of away from that sort of self-destructive,

[00:37:49] you know, malice and concern about that. I want to ask you a question. So in Tom's book, your brother Tom's book, The Undertaking, which was, I think, very formative. It was one of those things where I was already leaning this direction and I read that book and like the light bulb turned on. And it was like, ah, this, I could do this.

[00:38:11] But in his book, he talked about when your dad, right, the original passed away and that you and your brothers actually embalmed him together. We did. Can you tell me about that? Sure. It was a Saturday afternoon at about 530. I had just gotten home from the office and I received a call from my father's friend in Florida. He had been widowed and they were vacationing there.

[00:38:38] And as he did every winter and the call came, he's gone. And I knew exactly what that meant. And so I called the first call that I made actually was to my brother Tom to say, you know, dad's died. He's in Florida. I'm heading to the airport to catch a flight to go down there and prepare him to bring him home. And Tom said, OK, I'll meet you at the airport.

[00:39:07] And our brother-in-law, Mike Hull, who's a spectacular funeral director himself, said, I'll be with you as well. So the three of us got on a plane and flew to Fort Myers, Florida and were driven to the funeral home, the Anderson Funeral Home in Fort Myers. I called there on my way to the airport and I said, I'm coming down. It's our intention to prepare our father ourselves and bring him home.

[00:39:37] And he said, well, they'll take him to the medical examiner. He died of a heart attack. He's on vacation. I said, I don't want my father taken to the medical examiner. He's had a heart condition. Look at the scar on his chest. He had bypass surgery. Look at the medicine on his nightstand. Call his doctor. Well, the medical examiner won't do that here in Florida. He'll take him in and he'll post him. I said, let me have the medical examiner's phone number, please. So I'm calling to the medical examiner there.

[00:40:07] Spoken like a true assertive funeral director, by the way. Well, you know, and I said, doctor, I just need to tell you this. My father has been a funeral director for over 40 years. He's died of a heart attack. There's no question in my mind. And I don't want him posted. I want him to be taken directly to the funeral home. And posted meaning autopsy. Meaning an autopsy. For our listeners. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Post-mortem investigation. I want him to be able to be at the funeral home when I get there.

[00:40:36] And when I got to the funeral home, he was there. And the funeral director said, I don't know how you did that. I said, I just asked nicely. That's right. Hold the truth. And so we prepared him. Got him on a plane the next day and flew him back to Detroit for his services. Yeah. It was very difficult. My mother had died two and a half years prior to that. And she was at home. But we prepared her as well.

[00:41:05] I'm not suggesting that that's what all funeral directors want to do. But I knew my father would appreciate the fact that his own prepared his wife. And then his own prepared him as well. And so it was important to us. And I don't consider that to be gruesome work. I consider that to be a genuine act of love and kindness. And while it wasn't easy, it was easier than letting somebody else do it.

[00:41:33] And so when my boss's mother died, so my boss is Mike. His dad is Chuck, who's the oldest licensed mortician in the state. Still has his active license. He's only 90. But their mother died in 23, I think. And Mike and Chuck went to pick her up themselves, right? Put her on their own cot, brought her back to the funeral home.

[00:42:00] And I was like, hey, let me just do this for you. And I was able to embalm the matriarch. But it is scary in a lot of ways, right? Being under so much scrutiny. Yeah. Because not only do we have my boss and his dad who are undertakers, there are probably, I don't know, 15 other undertakers from our little town. And just about all of them came back. So you're under the microscope a little bit.

[00:42:27] But I've been thinking about this quite a bit because my parents just moved from the Milwaukee area up within two hours of where I live. And so now my question is if they're going to stay there. Odds are pretty good. I really, I would want to do my own work with my parents. Yeah. Well, everybody feels differently about it. And I just think it's each individual's decision to make.

[00:42:57] I can't recommend it, but I can't discourage it either. So I found it interesting that you mentioned reading Tom's book is what really pushed you sort of over the edge to go into this work. I have a letter that's in the top right drawer of my desk that I pull out and reflect upon every once in a while, but I share it with others occasionally as well.

[00:43:25] And it's from a man that's a very successful funeral director. When I was a young man in my 20s, I would go to the local high schools and speak at career days about the work that we do. This particular day I went to the local high school, one of them. Actually, it was a junior high at that point, middle school.

[00:43:51] And I got this letter years later when I became the president of the Michigan Funeral Directors Association, a congratulations letter. And it was from a man who said, you might not remember me from back then, but you came to my class when I was in eighth grade and you spoke. And my father had died not too much before that. And I was troubled and didn't have direction and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

[00:44:21] And you came and spoke and I saw a role model that I wanted to emulate. And he said, I went on afterwards and graduated, went to mortuary school. I've worked at several of the largest firms in Detroit. I've been a very successful embalmer. I now own my own funeral home.

[00:44:45] And I just wanted you to know it's because of that day that you came to my class and spoke when I was in eighth grade. I just treasure that letter. I just treasure that letter. And to think that we can have that kind of impact on people without really knowing it. We just don't know. Almost never knowing it, to be honest. Exactly right.

[00:45:09] And I would have had no idea about this until he sent this letter to congratulate me and tell me his history. And I thought, my goodness, how strange things can work sometimes. I don't know. It's really beautiful. You mentioned that bit about the mitzvah. And I was just smiling like a loon as you were talking about that because that's something I also have stumbled into in my own self. So it's fun to see that reflected in a different generation.

[00:45:37] But I said something very similar when we carried a farmer out of his house. Lloyd died on hospice and his son and son-in-law helped me carry him out of the house. And I said something very, very similar that this is something that can never be repaid. It's a mitzvah. Yeah.

[00:45:54] And just that weird little one-off comment led me to my new best friend and through a long roundabout way to the Wired videos and to hear and to talking to you and to writing a book. And, you know, in some ways coming full circle and talking to the family that was like honestly very instrumental in getting me here.

[00:46:17] And like me, just some guy in the background who always heard the lynches talked of with such great respect from my dad and from my family. You know, because it's the thing about it is and I don't know if we realize this, you know, us who are on the inside all the time is that like your name, your name becomes so wrapped up in this wonderful, terrible, beautiful, awful mystery of death.

[00:46:42] And so when death comes for the Sweeney's, as it all does, like the knee-jerk reaction is like, we'll call the lynches. They know. Yeah. And, you know, you don't always hear that or you don't always recognize that, you know, sometimes it's just another call and the phone rings at night and you're like, okay, got to get up and work now. But behind that, there is so much love and so much affection. There's no doubt about it. It's wonderful. I remember so well the lake that I'm at right now.

[00:47:11] My father had a home five doors down from where I'm sitting right now and he had his first major heart attack following my mother's death. And he was taken to the hospital up here and I got a call from the hospital saying, your father's here. He's very ill. We don't know if he's going to make it and you might want to get here as soon as you can. I said, well, I'll be there in 20 minutes. And they said, well, aren't you down in the suburbs of Detroit?

[00:47:41] I said, no, I'm up at the lake right now. I happen to be here. And I drove up to the hospital where he was in Sheboygan, Michigan and walked in. And the doctor said, we don't know if we'll be able to save him. He's very ill. But go in and see him. And I walked in and my father was there with his eyes kind of glazed over and the oxygen mask on his face. And he looked up at me and saw me.

[00:48:08] He had enough strength to reach up and take the mask off of his face and say, you'll know what to do. And put it back on. I thought, well, I do. I do know what to do. And that's a good thing. But I don't want to do it right now. And thanks be to God. He lived for another couple of years after that one until the final one got him. Yeah. It's a really, I tell people all the time, I'm very privileged.

[00:48:35] I'm very privileged to know how to do this particular thing. Because you're right. And your dad is right. Like, we know what to do. Now, does it make it easier? I don't think so. Grief sucks when it happens with your family and friends, even so. But just to know a little bit of the unknown means a lot. Yeah, just to have a roadmap. It makes a difference. Well, and you've got so much family in the business now. Can you map out and just tell our listeners? Yeah, I sure can.

[00:49:03] What does the family tree look like? Well, when we started, when my dad came home from the war and he went to work for a gentleman. And that gentleman died and he took over the management of the funeral home. But he didn't own it. It was owned by others. And he was promised that, you know, you get this place going and someday it'll be yours. We'll sell it to you. And so he did. He worked very hard.

[00:49:28] And then I came home from college and went to mortuary school and joined him. Then Tom joined him the year after that. And our brother Tim joined him the year after that. And now we're all here at this one funeral home and there's just not enough work there for all of us. So my father went out and acquired from a classmate of his widow. The gentleman had died and the widow knew that Ed Lynch was a good funeral director.

[00:49:57] And so she called and said, would you buy the funeral homes? So that's when my father acquired the funeral home in Milford, where Tom hung his hat for his career, and the funeral home at Walled Lake, where Tim, our younger brother, hung his hat. I stayed in the Detroit area, northern suburb with my dad. And after a couple of years, I said, Dad, I'm going to want to go out on my own. I don't want to work for somebody for my whole life.

[00:50:26] So I'm going to have to find my own place. And he said, son, they promised me we could buy this place, so I'll push it now. He did. And they said, no, it's not for sale. And it's never going to be for sale. And I've spoken to so many mortuary graduations in the years since. And I've said, fellas, ladies, don't promise this young funeral director that this place will all be his someday. So we went out on our own.

[00:50:52] And we bought a building and renovated it about two and a half miles away and started Lynch and Sons. And that was in the 1970s. And from that, we now own in our family nine funeral homes. And there's 20 family members that work within the funeral homes.

[00:51:16] There's a funeral director, a family member at each location, and then support staff as well. So it's a genuine family endeavor. And it's been not without its difficulties, you know, that we all face in building and maintaining a business and doing so with family members who may or may not always agree on everything. But for the vast majority of it, it's been a gift.

[00:51:44] And I'm very grateful for it. What more could one ask for? Yeah, the most interesting thing that just happened this past year, my son, Patty, who's an entrepreneur in Detroit and owns several other businesses, in addition to being at the funeral home, he just acquired the closed funeral home in Detroit that my father started at when he was in high school.

[00:52:10] Before he went away to the war, when he was in high school, he went to work at this funeral home to find out if this is really what he wanted to do. And he loved it. And then, of course, graduated and went away to the war. And I've told you that story. But that funeral home became available for purchase. And my son, Patty, bought it. And we're in the process right now of renovating it. We'll reopen it this fall as Lynch and Sons.

[00:52:38] But it's the funeral home where our dad literally got his start as a high school student. It's fun when life comes full circle. And I think it does. You know, if you have the eyes to see it, it happens all the time. No, Pat, I want to thank you for being here. I'm so grateful to just chat with. I feel like another kindred spirit in the funeral industry. And I hope I'm doing right by the lynches.

[00:53:06] I think about you guys all the time, whether you know it or not. And I hope I'm doing right by you, you know, getting off into the media world, discussing our industry, I think, in a positive, in a real, in a grounded sort of way. So thank you. Thank you for coming on and for speaking to us today. It was honestly just enlightening and so lovely. So thank you. Well, I appreciate your having me on, Victor. And I do think you're doing good things. You represent our profession very, very well.

[00:53:35] And it's nice to have someone with your youth and vigor and expertise being able to articulate what it is that we do. And I think you do so beautifully. I've watched your videos. I've read your book. Stay with it. Stay with it. I stand on the shoulders of giants. Thank you, Pat. Thanks. Was that not wonderful? Was that not great to hear from him? I find he is just such a kindred spirit.

[00:54:06] And maybe that's because we're from the same area of the country. I don't know. But I think at the end of the day, when you look at death the right way, when you look at suffering through the, at least what I think, the proper lens, you can't help but come to the same conclusions. You can't help but realize that assisting the living is the most important part of the gig.

[00:54:30] That guiding them, that, as he said, emboldening them, emboldening the living to do the hard thing is really something quite magical. And it changes your relationship with people, right? You're not simply taking orders saying, okay, would you like a Blue Lake cardstock or a wheat cardstock for your memorial folder with the obituary, right? That doesn't matter.

[00:54:54] What matters is that when you walk into the room, they know you're there because you care, because you are suffering alongside them. Likewise, when it comes down to doing those hard things for the family, you embolden them to do them alongside you, right? You close the casket together. You lower the casket down. You throw the dirt on the casket or the urn.

[00:55:19] And that's something I spend a lot of time thinking about is how do we bring this heavy work, the grief work, back to families, especially with cremation. And I'm glad to know that he's on the same page because when you embolden a family, right, you spend all this time as a funeral director building up your internal reservoir of strength to deal with hard, terrible, gruesome, awful things.

[00:55:49] And you let them dip from your reservoir. You embolden them to dip from your reservoir and add it to their own and to make themselves stronger, to do the hard things they maybe never thought they were capable of. I think being able to meet death head on is really a gift. The fair came through my little town, the Marshall County Fair in Warren, Minnesota.

[00:56:15] And I ran into a friend there who just lost his wife a little while ago. And I asked him how he was doing. And he said, ah, it's good. You know, there's some people here from my hometown. And it's great because they're not afraid to talk to me. Meaning that the people that we rub shoulders with every day were afraid to talk to him, afraid to go there, to ask him how he was doing, to bring up his wife's name. Because it's too hard. It's too scary. And I just told him, I said, hey, look, I don't care if you have a dead wife. I still like you.

[00:56:45] And I think you're doing great. And like, is that a little too blasé? I don't know. But I felt like in the moment he needed someone to just talk about the elephant in the room. And his wife was surely not that. She was wonderful and beautiful and fantastic in so many ways. But to just not be afraid is a great gift of contravening social norms. Death is the great element that does that.

[00:57:15] And how lucky we are to have men like Pat Lynch and plenty of other men and women throughout the country that do that. That embrace the suffering. That aren't afraid of the fear. I want to thank you for being a strange listener willing to talk about death. Maybe you are growing to be unafraid of the fear of death. Maybe you are willing to pick up the mantle of suffering. Whether that's in your own life, those things you can't choose.

[00:57:44] Or maybe you're willing to pick up the mantle of suffering and put it on your shoulders. The yoke of funeral service, if you will. And if you are, I encourage you to reach out to me. I want to hear from you. As Pat said, he has a letter in his desk from someone he never knew he impacted. And I know there are those of you out there who have impacted. You've reached out to me on Instagram or Cameo or the website or whatever.

[00:58:12] But if I've touched you in some way, if I've moved your heart, I want to hear from you. It makes all of this very worthwhile. Until we meet again, this has been Death and Dynasty. I am your host and friend, Victor M. Sweeney. And I will see you again. God willing. But I will be back in my life. Just like